Backing in to re-entry

 

Do you admit to yourself that you’re depressed? Do you hide it? Steer clear of it? Sink into it? Have a mask at the ready? Write about it?

How do I feel that the protocol I hoped would give me life again was not a good fit. What does the future hold? Well, that was a dumb question. No one knows the future no matter how healthy they might be. But I’m tired of being ill. It’s a lot of work and costs money.

The emotional ups and downs get me. The doctor I went through infertility with referred to me as high strung. I was insulted. That was a long time ago. I can recognize myself a little better now.

How do you handle the ups? Live in the moment? Can’t forget the bad times? Enjoy?

Things are weighing me down. I missed a call from the urologist’s PA yesterday that probably concerned the urine taken by catheter for culture  last Thursday. The longer I wait, the less worried I get. If it were important, I would know.

One of my favorite songs when I was very young – Que Sera Sera. What will be will be.

When the vitamin d crashes, so does the mood. So does the energy. Those two feed into each other and become indistinguishable.

Tomorrow I’m scheduled to see the ophthalmologist. The confirmation call said I had five appointments. Six months ago at my last appointment, I showed him the size type I need to read. He said that was not right when I measured 20/20.  All that futzing around with my eyes will irritate them. I got iritis when I took that test with the checkerboard years ago. Just looked it up. Visual Field. That’s the checkerboard. Detection of blind spots. Bet it’s on my schedule.

I’m almost sorry I pointed my deficiency out to the doctor. All these years, what is going on in my body looks like something bad. And isn’t. I only have ms. Thank you, God. And I mean that. I can’t imagine life without God. He’s closest in my darkest moments.

I’m whining. Sorry. I should add that to the list of coping methods. Pity party.

I have to get dressed and have lunch with friends. I’ll spare you (and I hope them) my black comedy.

As I learned very soon after moving to our new home in a retirement community where everyone is older than I and has had a life filled with joys and sorrows… Everybody’s got something.

I will choose to be happy. Have a great afternoon.

This post was written by , posted on March 7, 2018 Wednesday at 2:04 pm

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